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[03 Nov 2005|09:24pm] |
1. was hältst du von ehe & hochzeit an sich (nicht "mich will eh niemand" und sowas ;))?
hm. also das ist komischerweise ein thema, das mich in letzter zeit mehr beschäftigt. ich war immer strikt dagegen, weil ichs für blödsinn und unnötig hielt, aber mittlerweile bin ich der meinung, dass *trommelwirbel* man jemanden finden kann mit dem man den rest seines lebens verbringen möchte. ob ich den nun heiraten muss. irgendwie wärs natürlich romantisch. aber das sind nur meine strange autumn feelings.
2. wie würden deine kinder heissen?
also, ich hätte ein paar mädchennamen: joana, charlotte (<3), amelie, amanda und für burschen: titian, fabian, florian... joa
3. nervigste internetperson (lolz, sry mir fällt nur so dummer kram ein!)?
hmhmhm. kann ich nicht sagen :X wer von ssf *hehe* aber eh nicht im lj, glaubsch. wat weiß ich
4. lieblingsfilm und warum?
nein, schwere frage... *denk* center stage, weil einfach love. girl, interrupted. the virgin suicides.
5. darf ich dich bald mal besuchen? haha, aufzwingen!! :D
du darfst nicht, du MUSST!!!!!!!!!!!!<333
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[09 Oct 2005|12:21pm] |
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mood |
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 indescribable |
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music |
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Regina Spektor- Samson |
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Time goes by so fast. We will decorate the Christmas tree in no time, I'm sure.
I'm back in school... things are fucked up in a way, but then again... I really don't know... besides throwing up about 1-3 times a day I'm really working hard. I don't know why I'm doing it though... I don't care about anything, but maybe it's just this moment...
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Bright Eyes <333
So I'm drinking, breathing, writing, singing
Everyday I'm on the clock
My mind races with all my longings
But can't keep up with what I got
i dreamt of a fever,
one that would cure me of this cold, winter set heart.
with heat to melt these frozen tears and burned with reasons
as to carry on.
into these twisted months i plunge without a light to follow
but i swear that i would follow anything
just get me out of here.
and so you get six months to adapt
and you get two more to leave town.
in the event that you do adapt, we still might not want you around.
and i fell for the promise of a life with a purpose
but i know that's impossible now.
and so i drink to stay warm
and to kill selected memories
because i just can’t think anymore about that or about her tonight
and i give myself three days to feel better
or else i swear i'm driving off a fucking cliff
because if i can’t learn to make myself feel better
then how can i expect anyone else to give a shit
and i scream for the sunlight or a car to take me anywhere
just get me past this dead and eternal snow
because i swear that i am dying, slowly but its happening
so if there is a perfect spring that’s waiting somewhere
just take me there and lie to me and say it’s going to be alright
its going to be alright, yeah you worry too much kid,
its going to be alright.
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[29 Sep 2005|04:45pm] |
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mood |
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Daughters of bitches, I swear to god I could kill some people at the moment... everyone would be better off if I'd kill myself though... it's the bitch acadamy. They hate me and I, for once, don't blame it on me, I hate them back and it hurts even more... it hurts like hell that I can't get anything right at the moment...
Anzo crying on my shoulder, complaining about Anzi who has one of her stupid don't know what to call them- situations. Anzo about how she's not going to take it anymore and how fed up she is... and in the end saying:"How lucky I am that I have Thesi. I couldn't talk to anyone if she would not be there for me." Thanks very much... very very much. And I felt so sorry for her, so so sorry.
Next thing: Tanja told me that she won't talk to me anymore bc I said something. I can imagine what it was. It wasn't even bad, it's just stupid and childish. She does not want to tell me what exactly I've done wrong and so we'll go on. Don't talk. NONONO, just don't talk to me... nobody.
Last but not least all the others sitting in the coffeshop with Anzi and Anzo (who surprisingly talk to each other again *liek whoa*) wouldn't talk to me by now. Don't know what the hell the Annas heave been telling them... I don't care. I'm so fed up, incredibly fed up with all of them.
Me ending up in the coffeeshop- toilet, throwing up my Mocha...
There is no end in sight, no end... find an end in neverland... never
Let me think for a second... what else to tell you? Nothing... nothing in myu head, my stomache...
I feel fatter than ever... I could throw up without even forcing it... I'm unable to speak, to sleep... I just want to cry. In front of everybody. In front of the whole wide world. telling them how I feel with them, why don't they feel with me for once?
I cannot trust anybody... or even worse, nobody is able to trust me? I hate so called human beings...
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[26 Sep 2005|04:25pm] |
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music |
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none |
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I'm tired all the time. I don't know what it is... maybe the weather change. We had very nice weather last week and on the weekend in London as well, but it's pretty bad today, very windy. Anyway... How am I? I try to ask this myself but I just don't know... still throwing up, having a lot of issues with my food... I don't know... everyone seems to have food problems, so why should I care about mine?
I told Anzi and Anzo today that I might change school. They were good about it... actually they think it's perfect for me. It's good to have people like that although, of course, they have each other, so they can live without me pretty good. And that's no self pity, that's the truth...
Um... London was nice. although I got stressed on Oxford Street. I have never seen so many people on one spot before... it made me tired and I almost started crying... it's so overwhelming, dunno if someone understands that...
Bought a lot of stuff. I was at Bloch! A whole store full of dancestuff by Bloch, I thought I'd die from pleasure. Couldn't try pointe shoes on though 'cause I I was walking all across London before... my feet were swollen like hell...
have to go now...
MauMau write something, I miss you and I want to know how you are! Undestand what I'm saying? *bighug*
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[22 Sep 2005|03:08pm] |
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mood |
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none |
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We did this yesterday in class... I love the lyrics...
I'm broke but I'm happy
I'm poor but I'm kind
I'm short but I'm healthy, yeah
I'm high but I'm grounded
I'm sane but I'm overwhelmed
I'm lost but I'm hopeful baby
What it all comes down to
Is that everything's gonna be fine fine fine
I've got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is giving a high five
I feel drunk but I'm sober
I'm young and I'm underpaid
I'm tired but I'm working, yeah
I care but I'm worthless
I'm here but I'm really gone
I'm wrong and I'm sorry baby
What it all comes down to
Is that everything's gonna be quite alright
I've got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is flicking a cigarette
What it all comes down to
Is that I haven't got it all figured out just yet
I've got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is giving the peace sign
I'm free but I'm focused
I'm green but I'm wise
I'm shy but I'm friendly baby
I'm sad but I'm laughing
I'm brave but I'm chicken shit
I'm sick but I'm pretty baby
And what it all boils down to
Is that no one's really got it figured out just yet
I've got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is playing the piano
What it all comes down to my friends
Is that everything's just fine fine fine
I've got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is hailing a taxicab...
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[21 Sep 2005|07:11pm] |
LMAO. even the girl at our favourite coffeeshop here noticed that I'm not eating... lovely...
My hostfamily went for a walk and I'm alone here... which is nice. We@ll meet down at the beach later and have some alcohol... new friendships are made here... different people from my class coming together... like friends, how strange. But I am so antisocial, it's scary...
anyway, more tomorrow
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[20 Sep 2005|06:47pm] |
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hm, I am sitting here at mz hostfamilys computer. They are very nice, pretty caring and they got great mineralwater with strawberry- kiwi flavour. I actually like Broadstairs a lot it is a lovely little town. Teachers are nice here too, only the ones we brought here are stupid... as ever.
Fooddiscussions. "You are not going to have anything for lunch?" NOOOOOOO. At night I usually throw up dinner. It is disgusting. I hate myself so much for all of my food issues...
Anyway, hope you are all doing well!!!!
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[17 Sep 2005|12:55pm] |
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mood |
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crappy |
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Gawd, I'm so fat... fat, everywhere
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[13 Sep 2005|10:15am] |
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nothing |
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OMG Patricia! My aunt was reading those ICQs you sent on Sunday about your mum and so on and so on.... now she thinks I'm on some weird suicide- board *lol* She was SO worried you scared the hell outta her...
The baby will be here today or maybe tomorrow... cannot wait to put this little girl in my arms, I want to save her...
I wrote this for a baby who is yet to be born
My brothers' first child, I hope that womb's not too warm
Cause it's cold out here, and it will be quite a shock
To breathe this air, to discover loss
(No lies, just love- Bright eyes)
Met Vivi... it was alright, talked to her about the treatment and stuff... I will write more about that soon...
Have to buy presents for my grandparents with my aunt, eat lunch, dance and maybe visit my sister...
School starts again tomorrow...
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[11 Sep 2005|08:49pm] |
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Warum werde ich nicht satt?- Die toten Hosen |
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It's been a good day... food went good, exercise too... 'till 30mins. ago, when I decided I had to eat... a huge amount of ice- cream and muffin and stuff... of course I couldn't let it stay in my stomache...
Now there are light- points all over the place...
I don't want this anymore... I have to talk to my parents about this... I have to do it, before... I don't think I can... I mean they realize that there is something wrong bc I act pretty strange lately and I'm VERY confused, I lose thinks all the time, I cannot concentrate...
I wrote Vivi, she actually wrote back. She is better and starts working again tomorrow, we'll meet :) I think I'll get the number of the therapist she recommended...
Patricia, I feel bad bc I wasn't there earlier... I'm so sorry...
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[10 Sep 2005|11:35am] |
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mood |
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groggy |
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Alanis Morissette- Ironic |
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I'm in a pretty strange state of mind. Nothing really bothers me. It's like nothing really gets through. Like I was floating somewhere in space, not able to move in my spacesuite, no air, just people knocking at my helmet, talking to me. I can see it and hear it very silently, but I don't understand a single word.
Since I broke up the therapy I had this strange feeling of incompleteness. I didn't bother making plans (on food) or taking calorie- counting seriously anymore, but I wasn't "healed" from the disorder in any single way. It just took away the control. I realized that I totally lost control of it all. I see it very clearly in my life, everything is a mess, I lost so many things the past couple of weeks, basically bc my bags and rooms are a mess. I don't know what I want, no matter where I look... I might be okay by now if I would have gone to therapy longer... I guess I was on a pretty good way, but now I'm stuck in the middle. Pretty late to realize, I know...
Martina's party was alright. I wasn't in party- mood at all... trying not to cry all the time, smoking chains, drinking to forget... which never works anyway...
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[09 Sep 2005|06:44pm] |
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crushed |
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music |
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Haligh, haligh...- Bright eyes |
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After a week without purging, I did it again yesterday. and today...
My mom told me that Vivi is in LSF again bc of her bulimia. I feel so bad for her. I thought about her so often lately. I wanted to call her... no, it's so awful... WHYWHYWHYWHY? I really thought she was better...
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[06 Sep 2005|04:18pm] |
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mood |
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exhausted |
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nothing |
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My legs hurt so much... 3/4h aerobic, ballet(barre, center), pointe, flamenco... I'm tired, but I feel good bc I finally did something for my body again... and I dance... dance, dance... *lol*
Anyway, we've talked about going to the gym toghether, Anna, Lis and me. This would be so cool, dancing from Monday to Friday and then going to the gym Saturday and Sunday... just have to talk to my parents. It's 20 euros per month so I can pay for it myself. We'll just have to discuss this time- thingy again *rolleyes*
Can't wait to go to England... I want to go far, far, far away... never come back... when I'm 18.... *dreams*
This post is full of mistakes I guess, I'm just too tired
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[05 Sep 2005|09:27pm] |
I am 33% Goth. Goth ny night, normal by day. Deep in my heart I know I am evil, but not on the company's time. I do need to eat.
haha... thanks
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[05 Sep 2005|03:23pm] |
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mood |
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 calm |
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music |
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some classical radio- program |
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First day of ballet- workshop: 2h ballet, 1/4h break, 1/2 hour stretching and muscle exercise, 1/4 watching a ballet video, 1h Flamenco. SO much fun... Anna- Maria lost weight, she looks stunning, you cannot imagine how good she looks *want2* I am fat, nothing new... wanna be 52 again... *duh* Anyway, I'm happy to be back...
Viktor didn't write back... nice one *rolleyes*
Have to clean my messy room...
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[04 Sep 2005|07:28pm] |
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mood |
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crappy |
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voila!
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[04 Sep 2005|11:54am] |
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mood |
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creative |
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Soundportal |
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My hair is red now... it lookes pretty good. I was so sure it would look fucked up... but it doesn't *surprise* The contrast of my blue eyes and the red is cool. I might take some pictures today...
I didn't even plan on dying them... whatever...
My greatgrandmother visited yesterdsay. She's getting worse. She is confused and she can't hear but refuses to take her Hörgeräte...
Mommy was here, too. We had fun. We can be so damn silly together. :D
We went out at night. First sitting in the Stadtpark- Pavillon, sitting drinking beer and smoking. I didn't drink beer though, hate it. Anyway, there is this woman Elfriede, who is the "owner" of the pavillon. She is so cute, she really acts like it was her house! We were allowed to sit in the Gästezimmer *löl* And she yelled at the punks for leaving their trash in her "house"... they weren't allowed to come in...
Afterwards we were on the Schlossberg, then at Café Haltestelle, which was fun. AND we saw Mücke and her friend. What the hell? Why is she at Haltestelle, she is way to intellectual!? Strange *lol*
Talked to Lis *yay* She's back from Cuba. Workshop's starting tomorrow. I'm so out of shape... :S I'm such a bad dancer, letting me get so out of shape...
We have the greatest plan for the Tuesday before school begins again: DRINKING... ALCOHOL... A LOT! *lol* the whole day through and then go to school next day... I know it's dumb, but hey... and I want to smoke Shisha at Continuum... and for next week: party at Martina's new place, O.C.- day at Anzo's with loooots to drink ;). This will be THE party week. On Saturday I hope we'll be at Pia's... I have to do everything to stop thinking about things...
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[03 Sep 2005|10:15am] |
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Tegan&Sara- IknowIknowIknow |
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I wrote a mail. I don't even know if he'll get it bc of some stupid adress- trouble... but I did it...
STUPID...
called Madame Benedek yesterday... nice...
went out to have some sushi with Anzo, than had some drins with Eve, Pia, friends of her and Anzo...
I know, my life isn't interesting at all
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[31 Aug 2005|10:06pm] |
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mood |
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 bouncy |
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music |
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Tegan&Sara- I wouldn't like me |
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I'm back...
it was pretty cool. The sea was nice, weather always warm, the stars where so bright at night, like you never see them here... I was pretty lazy, just swimming and reading, relaxing... I didn't bother to think about anything... just about the new people I met... about dinner *lol* etc. We always had dinner at 9 p.m. or something and I had this stupid food discussions every day and they weren't even my family. "You are vegetarian?" "You only eat salad?" blaaah... I HATE you *haha* I threw up pretty frequently... what's a girl to do?...
There was this totally gorgeous boy who actually is perfect and lives here in Graz... did I mention that he's perfect? He talked a lot with Eve, who is totally outgoing and talks to anyone like he or she was here best friend. I don't know if it was more between them...I just feel stupid for liking him bc I'm sure every girl that saw him loved him, 'cause he looks amazing... I feel like a little, fat and ugly girl. Too strange and silent...
Everybody made me feel like it... like: "You are pretty, but you're too calm... you're smart, but you don't talk much" blah... I don't know... I felt like a complete loser there... not pretty at all wearing a bikini all day long....
People always get the feeling that I'm tired all the time and boring. But in fact I can just sit somewhere and even while playing some card- game, lose my thoughts somewhere and get really absent minded... and I love to read which makes me sit for hours, just reading and a lot of people don't understand that...
Hmm... yes: Christo... what an asshole. He is Viktors brother and thinks his the finest guy on earth... he does look pretty good, nice muscles and all but his personality sucks so hard... like my worst evening was when we were all having dinner and started to talk about what dancers eat and what models eat ect.. He was like:" Models eat an apple and water... or everything and than throw it up. I had a girlfriend who was bulimic. Horrible! Can you imagine what it was like to go on that toilet after she has purged in it?" I was like."HELLO? Imagined how she must have felt for once?" + I was right about going to the toiletand... I cried there, I was done... I hated everything so much at that moment...
Mommy's still pregnant... 18 days to go *lol*
I'm think I'm in love... which is the least thing I need...
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